Seven Headlines So Bizarre They Have to Be Real (They Are)

The news cycle has been doing a lot of heavy lifting lately, and sometimes the only reasonable response is to acknowledge that reality has simply stopped trying to be plausible. The following headlines are real. They were printed in real publications. They describe things that actually happened.

We are not editorializing. We don't need to.

"Man Calls Police to Report His Own Drug Stash Stolen"

This happens more often than you'd think, which itself raises more questions than it answers. The logic is understandable in a way that makes the whole situation more impressive: the man had property, the property was stolen, the appropriate response to theft is to call police. That none of these individual steps are wrong makes the combination even more extraordinary.

"Escaped Zoo Animal Captured at Nearby Fast Food Restaurant"

A genre unto itself. The specific animal changes — emu, wallaby, capybara — but the core story is always the same: the animal got out, the animal made a decision about where to go, and the animal's decision was extremely relatable. Nobody is ever mad at the animal.

"Town Votes to Make Itself Invisible on Google Maps"

A real small-town council, concerned about privacy or tourism or both, voted to pursue removal from digital mapping services. The town remains visible from space and from the road. The decision was made during a normal council meeting with agenda items on either side of it.

"Local Man Wins Fight With Vending Machine, Loses War"

The vending machine held his chips. He persevered. He got the chips. The vending machine, in falling, got the last word. He is fine. The machine is not.

"Competitive Eater Disqualified for Eating Too Fast"

This headline contains a contradiction that will take a moment to resolve. Take that moment. Yes. Correct.

"Cat Runs for Mayor, Receives Serious Votes"

There are several documented cases of this happening in multiple countries. The cats are never reached for comment. This is appropriate.

"Man Arrested for Impersonating a Pirate, Insists He Was Just Dressed for Work"

There was no job that required this. The follow-up did not appear in the original headline.

The world is doing its best. Or at least something.